Mow Down
by Barefoot XO
Summary: Lorne has seen many souls pass through his bar over the years but, as one might expect, the special ones tend to stick out. This is the story of how Wile E. Coyote's life was changed by his encounter with Lorne. Fourth in the Tales of the Host.


_**Mow Down ~ Wile E. Coyote's Tale**_

* * *

I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel the Series, Looney Tunes, the Flash, Sonic the Hedgehog or the song Shut Down. The first two belong to Joss Whedon. The third to Warner Brothers. The fourth to DC Comics. The fifth to SEGA. The last to the Beach Boys. This ficlet and all those that follow and precede are responses to the Andy Hallett Memorial Challenge. Each fic will feature a different fandom and a different song (in addition to the Angel &amp; Buffy fandoms) which will be featured in a disclaimer above the chapter. All of these tales will be told by Lorne in the first person...

And now, on with the show.

* * *

Hey now! I haven't seen you guys for a while now. Yep, it's me, Lorne. I'll be your Host for the evening. What? Another story? Well, I suppose I can scrounge something up. Let's see here… Hmmmmmm… Ah, yes! Of course. This was while I was acquainted with Angelfood Cakes and still operating out of Caritas…

It was a particularly busy night that night. I had a full plate of demons hanging about and Miss Tara Maclay had just left after a heart-wrenching rendition of 'Surfer Girl'. To this day I still wish I could have gotten to that crumb, Warren, before Willow had. I'd have shown him a pain or three…

Anyway, it was just after Tara had left that a coyote walked in. It wasn't your standard coyote, I'm sure you've figured out. This one was bipedal and probably one of the most intelligent beings I've ever been associated with, bar Fred.

Suffice it to say, this coyote trotted up to my bar and sat down. "I am Wile E. Coyote… Super Genius." He actually handed me a card that said so. I gotta tell ya, this guy had a very healthy ego. "I would like a glass of roadrunner blood."

I shrugged at him and spoke, apologetically. "Sorry Light Bulb, but we don't stock it here. You'd have better luck in Nevada." The coyote seemed extremely dejected. "Would you care for some rabbit instead, Dear?"

That seemed to put the sparkle back in my new customer's eye. "That would be magnificent, thank you." After a sip or two, Wile looked at me speculatively. "You wouldn't happen to be one of those anagogic types, now would you?"

I grinned widely at that. "You bet, Crumpet. Interested in a reading, are you?"

The coyote in question nodded eagerly. "You have no idea how much it cost me to get the ACME company to send me to another reality so that I could visit you. I'm just relieved that it worked for once. I've half a mind to sue the creeps for the number of times their various things have backfired on me…" With that said, Wile stood up and walked onto the stage, picking his song with great care.

I've gotta say that while Wile E. Coyote may be a genius, his true vocation is singing. He could replace any one of the Three Tenors without effort. He's that good…

"Dinner time, dinner time  
'Runner gonna mow you down

It happened on a cliff by the boulder-slide  
Roadrunner's on the road movin' in a glide  
Gotta brand new set of runners and my knife and fork  
Gonna eat poultry for dinner 'cause I'm tired of pork

Dinner time, dinner time  
'Runner gonna mow you down

Roadrunner's moving in at an even rate  
At the count of one we both accelerate  
My Acme-bought rocket is propelling me  
But that tasty little bird just lets loose 'Beep Beep'

God I'm so hungry, so I guess I had better move

Moving down the road now I've got something to prove  
But that hypersonic turkey is just hitting his groove  
Gotta have care now, lest my rocket explode  
And that dinner on the run thinks it rules the road

One last time round the highway's bend  
I'm pretty darned certain that we're nearing the end  
I thought I had him this time but he still eludes  
Want my money back right now, from those Acme dudes

Maybe next time, maybe next time, 'Runner gonna mow you down  
Maybe next time, maybe next time, 'Runner gonna mow you down  
Maybe next time, maybe next time, 'Runner gonna mow you down  
Maybe next time, maybe next time, 'Runner gonna mow you down"

I winced at what I saw, even as I rejoiced at that wonderful tenor voice and that wonderful rendition of a 'Beach Boys' classic. It seems that Wile has developed a fixation on a particularly juicy-looking roadrunner. The problem at hand is that the overfed turkey in question has somehow managed to tap the Speed Force from the DCU. I kid you not. That poor coyote is screwed in that respect.

Wile came down from the stage at that point, obviously looking to me for help in his quest for the choicest cut of roadrunner in his universe. I sighed heavily. "I'm sorry Sugar Pie, but the bird in question somehow managed to tap the Speed Force from another universe. I'm afraid that the ill-bred little thing has just been toying with you."

The coyote looked broken up by the news. I couldn't let him down. Luckily, I had a solution. "Now don't get down on yourself, Dumpling. It'll probably take you a few years, but you might be able to acquire the 'Super Sonic' ability from the Sonic the Hedgehog 'verse. If that sneaky bird can get outside help, so can you."

Wile grinned in a truly predatory fashion. "That's sheer genius! Any advice for while I acquire the necessary funds?"

I smirked and offered up takeout menus for KFC, Swiss Chalet, St. Hubert's, Popeye's and a dozen other restaurants that serve poultry as a main dish.

The coyote looked to be salivating at the options. One or two of them even had inter-dimensional delivery service so that Wile could order whilst still back home. "Thank you for your assistance, Lorne. If you ever have need of my services, I can be reached at this address." He tapped his card.

'Wile E. Coyote  
Super Genius  
3124 Crabapple Cave  
Mojave Desert  
Nevada'

The coyote turned and left then, leaving me with a smile on my face. Wile was actually the brains behind getting me my new place in Cleveland. He was very grateful to me for my assistance. And I hear that he finally got his roadrunner dinner. I'm glad. The little fink always ran off without paying its bar tab…

* * *

You might have guessed that I really despise the roadrunner. I've always felt sorrier for Wile E. Coyote then any other Looney Tunes villain. And so I decided to give him the win for once. I hope you liked it.

Jasper


End file.
